Push Presents... WTH!!!

Okay … so far my “mad” housewife rantings have been memories that I enjoyed making… but today… I seriously want to just rant for a second…

Push Presents… do you guys know what this is??? For those of you who, like me, are in the dark about this new gifting system here is the basic principle of it:  Push Presents are very expensive presents that a husband buys for his wife for pushing out their baby…

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME???!!!

Have women really reverted to this… do we have no shame??? We want equal rights, the same money for the same work, paid maternity leave etc etc… and now we want push presents???

Okay, am I the only sane person left on the face of the earth… have women become so materialistic that we actually EXPECT a gift for giving birth…

Look, this is something that we are suppose to do… our bodies are specifically designed to give birth… and now we want diamond rings, diamond bracelets, earrings etc etc to do our JOB???? 

What the hell are you being “paid” for… (I mean really that is what it boils down to… your husband is paying you in diamonds for pushing out your child…) Because here is the real truth of the matter… most women… notice the word most… get epidurals… so there is no pain… you only push two or three times because while your laying in that bed chatting with you partner, friends and family the contractions (THAT YOU'RE NOT FEELING) are slowly pushing your baby out for you… and then there are those who have C-Sections… ummmm should they get a “push” present as well??? What did they push???

So we now want presents for 9 months of throwing up, heartburn, our bladders being used as waterbeds and pushing (or not) when the time has come…

Here is my take…. how about YOUR BABY being your present… is that not reward enough???

It is a sad day people when women think they deserve diamonds for doing what comes naturally to us… and let’s face it nothing about birth in this day and age is natural… if you want to give a push present to someone… go buy your grandmother and great grandmother push presents… they had nothing for pain, usually gave birth at home in their beds by a midwife and instead of laying around for 3 days and getting diamonds they got up and made breakfast the next morning…

For the record… my first child (who was breech) I almost had naturally… nothing for pain… not even a shot… 11 and a half hours of true hard pushing…  that is until they discovered she was breech Indian style and stuck in the birth canal with the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck… at which point I was put to sleep and an emergency C-section was performed to save both my life and the life of my child…as I had begun to hemorrhage… my second birth was natural until I pulled my husband’s hair during a contraction (purely accidental) …at which point he begged me to get the epidural… which I did… I pushed twice and she was here…

And, NO… I did not want… nor did I receive diamonds… but what I did get was the two most beautiful babies laid on my chest which was payment enough for my effort …or lack thereof…

Mable, Jean and the belly button ring

Now as you already know I live in the South… we have a sort of unspoken hierarchy in our families… that is to say… we respect our elders in the family and when they give an “opinion” it is not really an opinion… you will do what they have told you to do… and if not you will pay the price…

Well all of you who know me know that I had a good “raisin’”.  My parents were good parents and taught me to respect my elders and to recognize this unspoken rule of hierarchy without coming out and saying it.  BUT, y’all also know that raisin’ isn't always reflected in one’s actions…  There is always that one child in every family who vehemently wrestles against their “raisin’”…

Yes, my friends, that would be me…  Who knows why children think the way they think and act the way they act… it was perfectly clear why we done a thing at the time, but as we get older that rational no longer has a hold on our brains… and we forget why we thought and did the things we did and thought… which leads us into not understanding our own children!!!  (Another story for another time.)

Now in my particular hierarchy there are 3 “Queens”… I have two grandmothers and one great aunt…Mable and Grace being the grandmothers (Oh how I do love you, Grace) and Jean the great aunt (God rest her soul)…. I must insert at this time that names have been changed to protect the guilty!

Of these Queens, two, I despised… Mable and Jean…they were sisters...they were like the self-righteous narcissistic wicked queens you read about in fairy tales… Always looking down their noses at the little peasants and expecting each to bow and worship them.  You know what I mean… you know you have them in your families… so don’t sit there and judge me… you know you got ‘em!!! You are thinking of their names right now!!!

Mable, at the time of this story, was in her late 70’s.  Even still, her hair and clothes were always just so. Her purse always matched her clothing as well as her shoes. Her sagging earlobes (from way to many years of wearing pricy jewels) always donned gems of every kind set in gold and her knarly fingers held the same.  Her bright red lipstick, forever bleeding into the wrinkles around her mouth, was continuously applied throughout the day… Now she was a belle… so others thought.  In secret she cussed like a sailor and “ran moonshine” when she was younger… she would pull a gun on you in a second and pull the trigger without blinking and eye… oh yes… Mable was mean as hell!  But to society… well, she was a genuine Scarlett O’Hara including the “vapors” when someone said something the outside world may perceive as blasphemy.  She played the role well…

Jean, her sister… was just the same in every detail… only more so self righteous… and got the "vapors" more often when blasphemy arose. You see she had turned her life over to the church… The outside world thought her a saint… but we knew the truth and so did God.

Yes, these two were a pair indeed.  Rarely, you saw them together at family gatherings… One was bad enough but the two of them together… It was like rubbin’ your hide raw with corn cobs and pouring turpentine over the wounds!!!  Just thinking about it makes my heart pound which causes an immediate headache.

However, my mother wanted them both there at dinner one year because, “they aren’t getting any younger and they are family”… what in tar-nations was she thinking???  They weren’t family… they were spawns of Satan who would live forever with the sole purpose of torturing me and anyone else who inadvertently got to close to them!!! 

“Now, you listen to me and you listen to me good.” my mom had said, “you be on your best behavior and do not, I repeat, do not start anything with them today!!!”

What was I to say???  

I replied, “Okay, momma I won’t!”  I hated lying to my mom.  You see, I had a bad habit of calling them out on their little charade… especially in public or in front of lots of other distant relatives who didn’t know them as well.  Oh yeah… there are reasons these “queens” did not like this Cinderella!!!  I told the truth about them, to as many as I could as often as I could, with them standing right there beside me! And, the best part is… I had a way of doing it so only they (the queens) knew what I was doing… the person I would be speaking with about them thought me charming and sweet and how nice it was to have “queens” like I had …  I know it is evil… but I cannot stand fake… and I cannot stand rude... and they were both!!!!

Now before I go on with this story I have to tell you something… On my mom's 57^th birthday I called her a “candyass” (her saying) if she didn’t get a belly button piercing.  Well she did!  I will write about that another day… but just so you know… only she and I (and my daughter who was only 2… so she wasn’t talking) knew she had it… Not even my dad, whom she lived and slept with, knew she had it… and this was 6 months after she got it!!!

So, back to the story at hand…I had the misfortune of standing to close to Jean and through my shirt she saw that I had a belly button ring.  I could see her eyes light up… her eyebrows shot upwards toward her hair line making her scowl wrinkles leap to attention… you would have thought she hit the jack pot! You could see her mind begin to turn and she came alive… her mouth salivating like a starving  coyote who just came out of hibernation and saw the first rabbit of the season… Her back stiffened causing her to stand up straighter and she let her head fall back ever so slightly so that those beady eyes had to look straight down her nose to look at me.

Now put on your best old southern belle accent for the next few lines… you know kind of like Blanch De’varoe in the Golden Girls (spelling will be iffy to get the sounds in)… including mine… as I always loved to mimic their speech… it was a sure fire way to get to them…

“Why I de-cl-air!!! Is that a nav-ell piercing you have they- air” she said reaching for my tummy….

“Why yes ma’am it is!!!  Do you want to see it?”  I said as I begin to raise my shirt…

I steal a glance at my mom who is hiding behind my brother shaking her head viciously in the no motion… she is also making the “cut” sign across her throat… In other words… “you better not say anything about MY belly button ring”  eyes begging me not to say it…I love my mother… I would never do that to her… unlike her… who has left me to fend for myself among the coyotes…

Now who knows why we do the things we do when we are younger...and impulse control has always been my weak point…

I pulled my shirt straight up and there on my belly button was my studded ring… proudly displaying a pink sapphire angel with red devil horns and a pitchfork…  You can imagine the self-righteousness rising up in Jean along with  all her self righteousness… you could literally see it come up from her belly into and out of her mouth…

“Why I just think that is the trashiest thing a lady could do to her body… why in the world would someone do that…” she said shaking her head at the filth that gleamed before her eyes...

To which Mable added, “Well it would be like her to do something so trashy”.

I truly tried to hold my tongue but I just could not resist temptation so tasty!!!

“Well Jean hon-kneeeeeeeeee, we all know I am no lady… Hell I take after you and Mable” I replied sweetly… batting my eyelashes for emphasis…  “Besides darlin’… you think that is bad… Let me tell you…”  I steal another quick look at my mom who is now waving her arms hysterically… like she is drowning and she has sheer panic in her eyes… I grin ever so slightly and turn my head back to Jean  “I have anotha piercin’… but its further south… you know… in the little man in the boat… down ther-air” I said half whispering and point to below the belt… I put my hand up as if sharing a secret with her and continued, “My husband has one in his tongue Aunt Jean… the other night...Well… we got tangled up and had to call 911” I said as loudly as I could without losing my southern charm…

Now I did mention before that this was a dinner and our entire family was there… there were probably 30 people standing around when I made my confession of a sorts… The entire room erupted in laughter… Jean’s face went blood red… like the color of Mable’s lipstick… she grasped her purse as if she were about to have a massive coronary…

“OH LAAAWD!!!  OH SWEET JESSSS---USSSSS!!!!” She screamed… holding on to the counters for balance…

 Mable steps over to help hold the now melting Jean, “Why I never in my whole en-tire life heard such a shameful thing” she said putting on the most appalled face she could muster…

“I got to go” Jean sputtered out… “I cannot be here around such an abomination”!!!  To which she and Mable made their way toward the door… Jean still clutching her purse for dear life…

And me… well I was doubled over laughing along with everyone else with the exception of my mom who was shaking her head in dismay…

“What’s wrong momma” I asked innocently… “At least I didn’t tell the two old bats about YOUR belly button ring”… to which everyone turned to stare open mouthed at my mom… who then busted out laughing herself!!!

“Gee… thanks for that baby” she said.

Dinner was great... and at the end of the night when all was much more quiet my father laid down the law of hierarchy... He banned my mother and myself from ever going out alone again for fear of what we would get into next... but like I said... some children just cannot adhere to their raisin'... especially when your in cahoots with your own mom... *wink*

New Year's Resolutions in July...

You know… a lot of people make New Year Resolutions… (Now I know it is nowhere close to New Year, but I think my philosophy applies today.)  They want to lose weight, quit smoking, and eat healthier… All of these things make us feel better about ourselves or perhaps we think they will give us longevity… I personally believe no matter what we do we will never add one day to our lives…

As humans, we think we have control over things of this nature… Maybe not control, but we believe we will feel better throughout the life that we do have by making all these changes… Whichever the case they basically serve one purpose and one purpose only…  OURSELVES…

I, myself, make the same resolution every year… The first being: Help someone every day… no matter how small the token… it doesn’t have to be anything huge… for instances… when I see an older person at the grocery store I hold the door open for them or help them unload their groceries… Yes, sometimes little old ladies look at me as if I were going to rob them… (we do not trust each other anymore… it use to be NORMAL to help people… now they wonder what you want from them later if you lend a hand now… ßI am guilty of this thought myself…) The second resolution I make each year is to laugh HARD at least once a day… I mean… side hurts, tears running down your face, can’t breathe…hard!!!!  You would think this would be a simple thing to do… let me tell you… I have found this to be the harder of the 2 resolutions…

Sometimes we (this definitely includes me) get so wrapped up in the circumstances going on around us that we forget to live life… we forget to stop and breathe, look around at what we have already conquered, where we were and where we are, the beauty that surrounds us… and in our gloom… without even meaning too… we steal other people’s laughter…

Now, I am not saying that we cannot talk to others about our problems… no…not at all!!!  We all need that one really good friend that we can lean on and vent too… That place that we can cry and scream and they don’t look at us as if we need a straight jacket...

And… sometimes… we read more into a situation that is a simple thing… one easily explained… one that had no bearing what-so-ever in the first place… Sometimes in our mistrust of those around us we exaggerate a situation… Which brings me to the reason for the blog…

Recently my world has been turned upside down… I hate to admit it, but I am one of these people that are always waiting for the bottom to fall from beneath me and that I am going to fall spiraling down toward a black abyss that will swallow me whole and hold me captive forever… Now… I do not wear this on my sleeve… I cover my insecurity very well… I am always LOOKING for a reason to laugh or cracking a joke and even blessing someone’s heart. (If this last statement makes no sense then read prior blog!!!)

Due to the recent “falling apart of my world” I forgot to just stop and breathe etc etc… So in my insecurity I was secretly EXPECTIING the rest of my world to go down as well…

So one day, just a few days ago… I decided to clean… I mean really clean… So I began in the kitchen… scrubbed counters, swept mopped… all that good stuff… I eventually made my way into the closet…

Well I rounded up all the dirty clothes (because there really is no such thing as laundry fairies) and even moved the dresser that I have in there to get at the socks that had fallen down behind it… When low and behold a pair of dress socks appeared… It was heavy… and tied in a knot… so I untied the knot and “dirt” started to fall from it… so I looked inside… low and behold… another dress sock tied in a knot with something in it… So I proceed to pull it out and untie it… when I looked inside my heart fell to the floor… POT was in my house… yes people!!!  The stank weed, maryjane, wacky weed… whatever you choose to call it… it was in MY house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Granted it smelled like it was 15 years old and was the cheap crap found in the bottom of the bag… but still… IT WAS POT IN MY HOUSE… I don’t care how cheap smelling it was!!!!

Now, don’t get me wrong… back in the day I saw my share of this… I am really not that much against it now except for… IT’S ILLEGAL!!!!!!!!!!!  I have children in my house… my father is in the political arena… WHAT IN THE CRAP IS THIS DOING IN MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Immediately the blame goes to my poor husband… for 3 days I did not speak to him… (talk about bringing people into your gloom!!!) He had no idea what I had found, why I was so upset, or why I wasn’t speaking to him… Honestly, my mind was turning… deciding what I had to do… if it were just he and I in the home maybe he could go to rehab or something… but… I have children to think about and my dad… what if someone found out… you know how the media can be… and in a small town everyone knows everything!!!!!!!

OH MY GOSH!!!!  What to do…what to do… thank God I had my friends… which all came to my husband’s defense… (he is an awesome man and does no wrong… even in the eyes of my family… they feel sorry for him because he has to put up with me!!!) I am still not convinced that he is innocent… I mean… my children aren’t going to hide THEIR pot in their dad’s dress socks and leave them in MY closet people!!!!  This momma didn’t raise no fools!!!

Long story shortened a bit… My husband comes home from work and tells me that I have to tell him what is going on… So without saying a word I get up from my chair, walk into the kitchen, open the drawer where I have stashed the pot, and come back into the living room and hurled it at his head!!!!  YES HURLED!!!!!!!!! 

His eyes get very wide… not as in “oh, crap I am busted” but as in “oh… my… gosh… what is this doing in my house!!!” 

He opened the baggie I had put it in and smelled it… Now my husband being a “head” much longer than I ever thought of being… started to laugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I am thinking “has he gone mad… what the crap!?!?”

He collects himself… barely… and says, “Baby, did you get this out of a dress sock???”

“Yes!” I half screamed…

More hysterical laughing… “baby, this is catnip I got for the cat!!!”

He then explains the socks were “holey” and he and the girls were dragging them around playing with the cat, who was then, just a kitten…

Talk about laughing HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!  I was so relieved… I felt dumb as a rock, but hey… it’s been 17 years since I have laid eyes on, smelled of, or been around any of that stuff… (At least y’all now know that I am sooooooo not a “head”)

So… from now on… my resolutions will be

1. Help someone every day.

2. Laugh HARD every day.

3. Learn to trust…even if it means I get hurt in the end…

4. Don’t make pot out of catnip!!!

In closing… Take a minute to breathe… don’t always expect the worst… and when the worst rears its ugly head… don’t assume anything!!! Take a moment, don’t jump to conclusions, look around you… trust those around you… if it turns out to be as bad as you think… deal with it then… cross the bridge as you come to it, don’t burn the sucker down before you even see it!!!!!

Lastly… change your resolutions… make life more about others and not so much ourselves… I do believe the world would be a better place… and if all else fails… buy catnip, put it in a dress sock and play with the kitten… when you find it 12 years later and assume its pot… your sure to get your hard laugh in for the day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How I deal with RUDE people...

Okay… so now that I am on this journey to “LIVE” life… I have to figure out what that means for me…

Oh I have seen all the movies: “Fried Green Tomatoes” (I know a few people I would love to ram my car into in a parking lot)… “Eat, Laugh, Love”… truly I have seen them all… but that is Hollywood…  I mean really who has the money to travel the world and take a year off to go to Italy, Bali, and the likes???

This is real life in the real world… So what is happiness and living???

Right now in this moment… happiness is leaning my head back and squirting cheese wiz straight into my mouth from the can as I type this…

I have a bit of advice to share… it was, of course, unsolicited… but as we southern women generally do… we inject our opinion anyway…AND, always follow up with “bless their hearts”… which is our way of pretending that we really care that the people we are talking about are idiots… and implies we MAY actually feel sorry for their idiocy… trust me… this is not the case!!!  They are idiots, we know it, don’t care that they are idiots… we have fun with them… that is why God gave them to us!!!  We just don’t want the people we are speaking with to think we are rude…

So… that being said:  People who know me well know that I have a special way of dealing with people who are rude!!! 

When you are in the checkout line at the grocery store… please people… give others their space!!! Why are you that close to me anyway???  Do you not see I have a big butt and feet that you are about to run all over???

If you ever find yourself in this situation I will tell you what you need to do… as I have done this myself… it is very effective… trust me!!!

1. Start looking in their cart and picking items up… if they have sausage links or something along

    those lines pick it up and say, “I knew a man like that once… poor guy… I don’t think he ever

    married”

2. Ask them personal questions… like: “do you have children”?  If they say yes, start gesturing 

    wildly with your hands and go on a rant about the state taking your children away because of

    your  crack rock habit… and…”who the heck cares if I smoke crack as long as the kids have cereal

    and milk to eat… hell when they took my kids they took my dang check and now I have to

    prostitute…which by the way, I went to the dr. yesterday and I got some crap ajax won’t take off

    my ass… they say it’s contagious…” 

    WARNING:  this last statement may or may not clear the aisle and you may or may not get barred

    from wal-mart…just sayin…

3. Turn and look at them and say… “wow, I appreciate you wanting to be this close to me, but  

    greatness doesn’t rub off, baby… Now please … back up off me!!”

4. This is my favorite but some may find offensive… Start rocking back and forth (like rainman the

    movie) bite on the sleeve of your shirt…let your voice get deep and nasally sounding letting your   

    sounds run together… then YELL as loud as you can…  “Paula peed in Paula’s underwears” and 

    start pointing at the person that is crowding you!!  That one is  great… the look that comes

    across their face!!! Priceless!!!! 

   

    WARNING: this act WILL get you barred from Walmart in Cleveland, Georgia… Just ask Paula!!!

** now you know why this blog is called the rantings of a mad housewife... we tend to get away from topic and ramble**

The Big "O" from an 11 year olds perspective...

I have 3 daughters... all of them very special to me in their own ways... you mother's out there who have more than one child knows what I mean... I love them all the same but each one special for their own unique ways...

My now 21 year old, married, daughter came home from school one day... She skipped up the driveway in her usual way... me watching her out the window as I stood making dinner... shining eyes full of pride at the young lady she was becoming... yeah... we have those moments of daydreaming before life slaps us right in the face...

She came through the door and had a look on her face I knew well... I was about to be asked a question I was positive I did not want to answer!  She, and she only, knew how to back me in a corner with her questions... one of the reasons that makes her special...

I, in my usual cheerful mom voice, said, "How was your day today"?

"Good" she replied... "But.... "

Uh oh... here it comes.... oh my LAWD what is going to come out of this child's mouth???

"I was wondering..."

"Yes" I encouraged gently

"What is an orgasm"?

What??? My mind is reeling... I felt like Scarlett O'hara--> "I think I have the vapors" ... oh my gosh... she is only 11... Geeez o' pete... what the crap!!!

Thinking quickly, as us mothers often have to do, I laid my knife down and I looked her right in the eye and told her the God's honest truth... in my best June Cleaver voice, of course....

"Well honey, that is something a man can't give you until he is at least 36 years old... why do you ask?"

She then proceeded to tell me of the 17 year old who sat behind her and said her boyfriend gave her 7 of them last night...

Seriously... okay, so she already knew about the birds and the bees in what I thought was great detail for 10 years old when I talked to her about it... Well that shot all to tarnation and back... I turned off the stove and we had the talk again... this time in even more detail.  To which I got the reply, "ewwwwww... thats just gross!"  So much for taking the mystery out of it... I thought for a while she may never look at boys the same... WRONG!!!

It is my thinking that if I take all the mystery out of it they wont feel the need to experiment so quickly... But after all it is human nature... I preached keeping your pants up and a quarter between your knees. <-- my sex education from my parents... however they didnt realize that I was so bow legged I couldn't have hemmed a horse up in the corner of the barn... so the quarter thing... yeah that didnt work out so well...

Long story short I then began to preached protection protection protection... If you just have to do it and feel like you can not control yourself at least use protection...I mean seriously... there is crap out there ajax wont take off your butt these days...

When the day was done and all of my children were tucked away in bed, teeth brushed, and p.j's donned... I sat on the front porch in my rocking chair with my hot cup of coffee and pondered the days question... In the end I laughed hysterically... If  that young girl of 17 was telling the truth (which I highly doubt) she better had tied a rope to that cowboy and held onto him with all her might... just sayin'...

Where the name came from...

I guess the name came from being a housewife, but not a mad one... as in angry... but as... well insane... Some think us housewives have it made... perhaps we do... I am not sure anymore...

I once worked... actually I have worked since the age of 14... that is up until the age of 30... when I decided to become a stay at home mom...

I remember the sweet days of getting up and going to work, dressed in nice clothes... driving a fine car... nails manicured... hair in perfect order... and make up just so...

I remember how I chatted with clients, learned their children's name, what sports they played, what recent illnesses they had incurred and so on and so forth... something different everyday...

When the workday was complete I would head home to my husband, a nice dinner and a glass of wine... sit back relax and watch Ally McBeal... Friends... or whatever happen to be on that evening...

Then children... I got the bright idea that if I cut corners here and there I, me, could become a stay at home mom...

Oh for the first years it was great... play dates, circle of moms, mom dates... a great life... then the children began to go off to school... play dates were a thing of the past, the circle of moms were broken...

Now I get up, get the girls off to school, drink my morning coffee and then what??? Grocery shopping??? Coupon Clipping??? Laundry??? Flower beds that have long since been weed beds??? Dust maybe??? Tackle the stack of bill??? I have done all these thing numerous times... day after day, week after week... you get the picture... things I use to find enjoyment in no longer hold my interest... What I wouldn't give for some real adult conversation, get out of these sweat pants, fix my hair, put on a little make up... uggg Right!!  For who??? Those laundry faires that do the laundry???

My children really believe in the laundry fairy... surely they do... else they wouldn't throw clean clothes in the floor for mom to have to pick up, re-wash, re-dry, and re-hang... I am most positive they believe in the laundry fairy... surely they wouldn't do that to their mother!!!

Yes, people I have lived both worlds... I am treading new ground here... I am getting close to 40 now... and with recent events in my life have decided to start living... but what does that mean... living??? Is it simply breathing??? Waking up in the morning??? Making dinner??? Paying bills??? What is it to live???

I am not sure... but I invite you to join me in my journey of finding out... yes there will be posts here of my "mad" rantings... bits of southern wisdom... lots of common sense... I am a lot like the "fruitcake lady" (God rest her soul)... if you dont want an honest, down home, southern, common sense answer don't ask....

I am sure this is the first of many posts... as I have lots of stories to share... (not for the squimish I might add)... so enter the madness if you dare...