Now as you already know I live in the South… we have a sort of unspoken hierarchy in our families… that is to say… we respect our elders in the family and when they give an “opinion” it is not really an opinion… you will do what they have told you to do… and if not you will pay the price…
Well all of you who know me know that I had a good “raisin’”. My parents were good parents and taught me to respect my elders and to recognize this unspoken rule of hierarchy without coming out and saying it. BUT, y’all also know that raisin’ isn't always reflected in one’s actions… There is always that one child in every family who vehemently wrestles against their “raisin’”…
Yes, my friends, that would be me… Who knows why children think the way they think and act the way they act… it was perfectly clear why we done a thing at the time, but as we get older that rational no longer has a hold on our brains… and we forget why we thought and did the things we did and thought… which leads us into not understanding our own children!!! (Another story for another time.)
Now in my particular hierarchy there are 3 “Queens”… I have two grandmothers and one great aunt…Mable and Grace being the grandmothers (Oh how I do love you, Grace) and Jean the great aunt (God rest her soul)…. I must insert at this time that names have been changed to protect the guilty!
Of these Queens, two, I despised… Mable and Jean…they were sisters...they were like the self-righteous narcissistic wicked queens you read about in fairy tales… Always looking down their noses at the little peasants and expecting each to bow and worship them. You know what I mean… you know you have them in your families… so don’t sit there and judge me… you know you got ‘em!!! You are thinking of their names right now!!!
Mable, at the time of this story, was in her late 70’s. Even still, her hair and clothes were always just so. Her purse always matched her clothing as well as her shoes. Her sagging earlobes (from way to many years of wearing pricy jewels) always donned gems of every kind set in gold and her knarly fingers held the same. Her bright red lipstick, forever bleeding into the wrinkles around her mouth, was continuously applied throughout the day… Now she was a belle… so others thought. In secret she cussed like a sailor and “ran moonshine” when she was younger… she would pull a gun on you in a second and pull the trigger without blinking and eye… oh yes… Mable was mean as hell! But to society… well, she was a genuine Scarlett O’Hara including the “vapors” when someone said something the outside world may perceive as blasphemy. She played the role well…
Jean, her sister… was just the same in every detail… only more so self righteous… and got the "vapors" more often when blasphemy arose. You see she had turned her life over to the church… The outside world thought her a saint… but we knew the truth and so did God.
Yes, these two were a pair indeed. Rarely, you saw them together at family gatherings… One was bad enough but the two of them together… It was like rubbin’ your hide raw with corn cobs and pouring turpentine over the wounds!!! Just thinking about it makes my heart pound which causes an immediate headache.
However, my mother wanted them both there at dinner one year because, “they aren’t getting any younger and they are family”… what in tar-nations was she thinking??? They weren’t family… they were spawns of Satan who would live forever with the sole purpose of torturing me and anyone else who inadvertently got to close to them!!!
“Now, you listen to me and you listen to me good.” my mom had said, “you be on your best behavior and do not, I repeat, do not start anything with them today!!!”
What was I to say???
I replied, “Okay, momma I won’t!” I hated lying to my mom. You see, I had a bad habit of calling them out on their little charade… especially in public or in front of lots of other distant relatives who didn’t know them as well. Oh yeah… there are reasons these “queens” did not like this Cinderella!!! I told the truth about them, to as many as I could as often as I could, with them standing right there beside me! And, the best part is… I had a way of doing it so only they (the queens) knew what I was doing… the person I would be speaking with about them thought me charming and sweet and how nice it was to have “queens” like I had … I know it is evil… but I cannot stand fake… and I cannot stand rude... and they were both!!!!
Now before I go on with this story I have to tell you something… On my mom's 57th birthday I called her a “candyass” (her saying) if she didn’t get a belly button piercing. Well she did! I will write about that another day… but just so you know… only she and I (and my daughter who was only 2… so she wasn’t talking) knew she had it… Not even my dad, whom she lived and slept with, knew she had it… and this was 6 months after she got it!!!
So, back to the story at hand…I had the misfortune of standing to close to Jean and through my shirt she saw that I had a belly button ring. I could see her eyes light up… her eyebrows shot upwards toward her hair line making her scowl wrinkles leap to attention… you would have thought she hit the jack pot! You could see her mind begin to turn and she came alive… her mouth salivating like a starving coyote who just came out of hibernation and saw the first rabbit of the season… Her back stiffened causing her to stand up straighter and she let her head fall back ever so slightly so that those beady eyes had to look straight down her nose to look at me.
Now put on your best old southern belle accent for the next few lines… you know kind of like Blanch De’varoe in the Golden Girls (spelling will be iffy to get the sounds in)… including mine… as I always loved to mimic their speech… it was a sure fire way to get to them…
“Why I de-cl-air!!! Is that a nav-ell piercing you have they- air” she said reaching for my tummy….
“Why yes ma’am it is!!! Do you want to see it?” I said as I begin to raise my shirt…
I steal a glance at my mom who is hiding behind my brother shaking her head viciously in the no motion… she is also making the “cut” sign across her throat… In other words… “you better not say anything about MY belly button ring” eyes begging me not to say it…I love my mother… I would never do that to her… unlike her… who has left me to fend for myself among the coyotes…
Now who knows why we do the things we do when we are younger...and impulse control has always been my weak point…
I pulled my shirt straight up and there on my belly button was my studded ring… proudly displaying a pink sapphire angel with red devil horns and a pitchfork… You can imagine the self-righteousness rising up in Jean along with all her self righteousness… you could literally see it come up from her belly into and out of her mouth…
“Why I just think that is the trashiest thing a lady could do to her body… why in the world would someone do that…” she said shaking her head at the filth that gleamed before her eyes...
To which Mable added, “Well it would be like her to do something so trashy”.
I truly tried to hold my tongue but I just could not resist temptation so tasty!!!
“Well Jean hon-kneeeeeeeeee, we all know I am no lady… Hell I take after you and Mable” I replied sweetly… batting my eyelashes for emphasis… “Besides darlin’… you think that is bad… Let me tell you…” I steal another quick look at my mom who is now waving her arms hysterically… like she is drowning and she has sheer panic in her eyes… I grin ever so slightly and turn my head back to Jean “I have anotha piercin’… but its further south… you know… in the little man in the boat… down ther-air” I said half whispering and point to below the belt… I put my hand up as if sharing a secret with her and continued, “My husband has one in his tongue Aunt Jean… the other night...Well… we got tangled up and had to call 911” I said as loudly as I could without losing my southern charm…
Now I did mention before that this was a dinner and our entire family was there… there were probably 30 people standing around when I made my confession of a sorts… The entire room erupted in laughter… Jean’s face went blood red… like the color of Mable’s lipstick… she grasped her purse as if she were about to have a massive coronary…
“OH LAAAWD!!! OH SWEET JESSSS---USSSSS!!!!” She screamed… holding on to the counters for balance…
Mable steps over to help hold the now melting Jean, “Why I never in my whole en-tire life heard such a shameful thing” she said putting on the most appalled face she could muster…
“I got to go” Jean sputtered out… “I cannot be here around such an abomination”!!! To which she and Mable made their way toward the door… Jean still clutching her purse for dear life…
And me… well I was doubled over laughing along with everyone else with the exception of my mom who was shaking her head in dismay…
“What’s wrong momma” I asked innocently… “At least I didn’t tell the two old bats about YOUR belly button ring”… to which everyone turned to stare open mouthed at my mom… who then busted out laughing herself!!!
“Gee… thanks for that baby” she said.
Dinner was great... and at the end of the night when all was much more quiet my father laid down the law of hierarchy... He banned my mother and myself from ever going out alone again for fear of what we would get into next... but like I said... some children just cannot adhere to their raisin'... especially when your in cahoots with your own mom... *wink*
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