Okay… so now that I am on this journey to “LIVE” life… I have to figure out what that means for me…
Oh I have seen all the movies: “Fried Green Tomatoes” (I know a few people I would love to ram my car into in a parking lot)… “Eat, Laugh, Love”… truly I have seen them all… but that is Hollywood… I mean really who has the money to travel the world and take a year off to go to Italy, Bali, and the likes???
This is real life in the real world… So what is happiness and living???
Right now in this moment… happiness is leaning my head back and squirting cheese wiz straight into my mouth from the can as I type this…
I have a bit of advice to share… it was, of course, unsolicited… but as we southern women generally do… we inject our opinion anyway…AND, always follow up with “bless their hearts”… which is our way of pretending that we really care that the people we are talking about are idiots… and implies we MAY actually feel sorry for their idiocy… trust me… this is not the case!!! They are idiots, we know it, don’t care that they are idiots… we have fun with them… that is why God gave them to us!!! We just don’t want the people we are speaking with to think we are rude…
So… that being said: People who know me well know that I have a special way of dealing with people who are rude!!!
When you are in the checkout line at the grocery store… please people… give others their space!!! Why are you that close to me anyway??? Do you not see I have a big butt and feet that you are about to run all over???
If you ever find yourself in this situation I will tell you what you need to do… as I have done this myself… it is very effective… trust me!!!
1. Start looking in their cart and picking items up… if they have sausage links or something along
those lines pick it up and say, “I knew a man like that once… poor guy… I don’t think he ever
married”
2. Ask them personal questions… like: “do you have children”? If they say yes, start gesturing
wildly with your hands and go on a rant about the state taking your children away because of
your crack rock habit… and…”who the heck cares if I smoke crack as long as the kids have cereal
and milk to eat… hell when they took my kids they took my dang check and now I have to
prostitute…which by the way, I went to the dr. yesterday and I got some crap ajax won’t take off
my ass… they say it’s contagious…”
WARNING: this last statement may or may not clear the aisle and you may or may not get barred
from wal-mart…just sayin…
3. Turn and look at them and say… “wow, I appreciate you wanting to be this close to me, but
greatness doesn’t rub off, baby… Now please … back up off me!!”
4. This is my favorite but some may find offensive… Start rocking back and forth (like rainman the
movie) bite on the sleeve of your shirt…let your voice get deep and nasally sounding letting your
sounds run together… then YELL as loud as you can… “Paula peed in Paula’s underwears” and
start pointing at the person that is crowding you!! That one is great… the look that comes
across their face!!! Priceless!!!!
WARNING: this act WILL get you barred from Walmart in Cleveland, Georgia… Just ask Paula!!!
** now you know why this blog is called the rantings of a mad housewife... we tend to get away from topic and ramble**
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